Admission
by Joe Normal
Summary: Admitting half of something is still better than denying everything.
1. Miranda

A/N: Disney owns the characters and the backdrop. I only own the angst. So there. Also this is sort of a spin off of my last fic "Denial", and is set within "Other Side of the Story" by Black Knight 03, which is excellent. Go check out BK03's profile and see for yourself, as well as all the other great stories. BK03 wrote a nice review for "Denial" and suggested a story like this. I hope to make this into three parts. Anyway, short story long…

For Black Knight 03

If there are ever plans to make a statue made of "David Gordon, The Early Years", the scene in front of me is what I'm going to submit as a suggestion. I will even go so far as to learn how to draw in order to make it happen. Because the way he's sitting here at lunch sums it up so perfectly.

Shoulders forward.

Eyes squinting in determination.

Hands writing quickly, purposefully.

And the Gordo (soon to be) trademarked tongue sticking out slightly from one side of the mouth.

It's good to see him like this again. Makes me wonder why Lizzie and I were worried about the Parker "He's too short" incident. Too worried as usual. Every time a Gordo problem comes up, Gordo is usually the one to fix it. Sometimes he needs a nudge (from Lizzie), sometimes he needs a shove (yours truly). But he is the one that makes it right again.

And not just with his problems, but with mine on occasion, and with Lizzie's practically every other day.

But let's get one thing straight; Lizzie appreciates it more than most people know.

My proof? Her near meltdown in the girl's locker room when she realized that his birthday is two weeks away and we've done zero planning for a party or even a couple of gifts. Funny how whenever I say (sincerely) that I really loved the gift she got me or the party she threw me, she sighs in relief and is all happy and sunshine.

When Gordo says the same thing with the same sincerity, she'll swear he's having an awful time and won't know what to do with the gift we got him. She's proven wrong eventually, because he'll be using/wearing/bragging about the gift sometime later. But I just know we're going to go through this again in two weeks.

The funny part is that Gordo will probably forget that it's his birthday like he always does. With the exception of last year, he forgets every year. Last year was his Bar Mitzvah, so Hebrew school and all of his relatives calling in to confirm their attendance made it impossible for him to forget.

But this year, I know he will forget once again. It's just another example about how he's always putting himself second. There is just no way I can forget my birthday. I'm just not built like that. Being the oldest daughter has certain expectations, and awesome birthdays are just the first of a very long list.

"I wish she would cut that crap out!" Lizzie says exasperated, snapping me out of my mental birthday wish list. She was just loud enough for Gordo to remove his MP3 player headphones to see what was up.

"Who's doing what now?" Gordo asked curiously, although not actually stopping to look up from his paper.

"Parker, giving you the eye, its…unsettling" she says softening up a little and looking down at her lunch.

"Its just seller's remorse, Lizzie, let it be," I say without thinking as I sip my coke.

"Careful Miranda, that almost sounded like a compliment," Gordo says with smile.

"I'm just telling you how Parker feels. Personally, I don't think you're all that and a bag of chips," I say casually taking a sip from my coke.

"Deny, deny, deny. We'll never be happy unless we stop this fake hostility and start making out," he says and the urge to laugh causes me to spit out the coke I just sipped.

"You got me. That was good," I say as we both laugh while I wipe off my mouth.

Gordo finally looks over to see Parker still staring at him. She's not even looking away in any embarrassment. Any normal guy would be trying to decide between giving her a fake smile and an even faker wave hello, or better yet a very sincere middle finger.

Of course Gordo didn't do any of these things. The only sincere thing happening here is the smile Gordo is giving her. Not one of interest, mind you, more like one of forgiveness. Parker takes it happily, until of course she sees Lizzie giving her the death glare. I notice she's managed to snap her plastic fork in half because she's clenching her fist so tightly.

"Ease up, Lizzie, your chance to throw down with McKenzie was in the locker room," I say without thinking, as usual.

"Excuse me?" Gordo's interest has now actually been completely drawn away from the paper in front of him.

"Miranda!" Lizzie is giving me the death glare now. Guess I violated the cone of silence again. Damage control time.

"Oh, just something that almost happened last period in the locker room. No biggie," I say casually knowing that Gordo won't accept this explanation.

"Miranda, there is no such thing as 'no biggie' when we're talking about near throw downs in the girl's locker room. In fact, pretty much anything that happened in the girl's locker room should be first on the topic list at lunch," he says smiling, trying to be skuzzy, but really just looking goofy.

"Really? Okay then, this one time I was on my period and…." I started to say.

"Okay, okay, okay. I get it. I stand corrected," he says about to put on his headphones.

"Actually you're sitting corrected," Lizzie jumps in, almost reading my mind.

Gordo pauses looking at each of us back and forth, realizing for the millionth time that he's not going to win when Lizzie and I are ganging up on him. He puts his headphones back on with a smile and presses a couple of buttons on the player. If I know him as well as I think I do, he switched it to Less than Jake or Millencolin. 'Cool bands that don't moan about girls all the time,' as he calls them.

A long time ago I asked him if he ever seriously wished he had more guy friends. He considered it for a moment, then said since he never had siblings, that having two girls for best friends was the closest thing he would know to having sisters. And that he's grateful for that, even though Lizzie and I are 'total pains in the ass' sometimes.

Something weird happened between us a couple of weeks ago. I almost did something very un-sisterly with him.

We were about to kiss. Or I was about to force him to kiss me, and had there not been an adult lurking, something more.

I've been so bipolar about it too.

Obviously on the one hand I feel guilty about it, especially when Lizzie talks to me, even more when she talks to me about Gordo. Which is a lot. Pretty weird how Lizzie was the one feeling guilty about taking the Ronnie thing to the psycho obsession level and trying to win back our friendship. Now I'm the one feeling guilty for being a lousy friend and almost kissing her soul mate, and she doesn't even know anything happened.

But that's the other side of it. Nothing really did happen, and I'm kind of pissed about it. Because even now I still wanted something to happen. Even now I'm thinking of an excuse to go to Gordo's house on my own and make another move. I'm not even going to bother describing what was going through my mind during that sex ed video in science class.

I still can't believe Lizzie was about to fight Parker in the locker room. It all started because Kate bizarrely brought up the lack of quality boys at Hillridge. Then Gordo's name came up and how he was like the perfect potential boyfriend, except that Lizzie has him on a short leash. Tough to argue that point. But Parker just stood there listening in and smiling, totally pissing Kate off in the process.

And when I looked around, Kate wasn't the only person pissed at Parker. Lizzie took an angry step forward, eyes locked on McKenzie.

I stepped in front only for a second. I totally expected to follow Lizzie into a catfight. I was already guessing I'd have to duke it out with Veruca. Which would suck, because her days of getting bullied have made her tough. But also, I don't have anything against Veruca. This is really between Parker and Lizzie. Or actually, it's between Parker and Lizzie's brain. Which won't admit that it's totally jealous of Parker.

But there's another side to it. As Gordo says, there's always another side to it.

First off, you've always got to back your crazy impulsive friend. Even when you know the fight isn't going to solve anything. Better to lose the fight and keep your friend than keep out of it and lose the friend.

Secondly, Lizzie has a good reason to not give into jealousy and go for Gordo. She has so much more to lose than Parker. To Parker, Gordo is a casual acquaintance turn possible crush. They start going out and it fails? No big deal, they go back to just saying hi in the hallways. To Lizzie, Gordo is the moon to her earth. The closest thing in her orbit, sets her moods like the tides. Yadda yadda yadda.

If anybody had a real reason to punch anybody, I should have clocked Kate for implying that I had a thing for Gordo. This act has been hard enough to put up without her making it that much harder by throwing out wild (even if they might be sort of true) accusations. What could she possibly know anyway?

I didn't mean to feel this way, and had Lizzie never said what she did, this would've never happened right?

I'd like to think that, except it feels like a total cop out.

More and more I'm starting to think that this was something that was always there that I didn't even know about. And it took something completely out of leftfield to make me realize it.

But it could never work right?

His destiny with Lizzie aside, we just don't fit. He's too passive where I'm too aggressive. We argue about everything we disagree on. And the only time we agree on something is after we've gone around in circles arguing about it for at least ten minutes until realizing we're both making the same point. Lizzie actually worries about leaving us in the same room alone since she thinks we'll be at each other's throats in seconds.

But we haven't been like that since that fateful afternoon. I'm a complete head case around him now. Nervous that I'm staring too long or not making enough eye contact. Talking to him a bit closer when Lizzie's not around. Talking to him practically from another area code when she is around, even though the whole time we're doing this weird fake flirting thing. Practically agreeing with everything he says, even though more than half the time I know he's wrong, wrong, wrong.

But I don't think about that when I'm alone.

All I can think about is how right it would have felt. How unbelievably right it would have felt to kiss him. Slow at first, and just before he can try to rationalize why "we shouldn't be doing this", kiss him again. Faster, harder, letting him know I don't have any doubts about what I'm doing. And that for once he's going to see things my way without having to debate me on it for ten minutes.

A couple of weeks ago, he was my other best friend.

A couple of weeks later, I'm staring at him and wondering how I went from 'other best friend' to 'completely hopeless crush'.

I'll admit I'm confused, but I won't admit I'm in love.


	2. Lizzie

A/N: Disney owns the characters and the backdrop. I only own the angst. So there. Thanks for the reviews.

I never thought I'd say this, but I'm actually more irritated with somebody than Matt.

Parker will simply not stop staring at Gordo and it's driving me nuts. So what? Now he's tall enough? Who are you kidding, McKenzie? Now she's doing this stare at Gordo sadly thing non-stop and its just so…obvious…and completely stupid and I can't figure out for the life of me what her plan is.

If she keeps this up, I swear I'm going to drive my fist so hard against her nose she might actually talk normally.

We've never been friends, really. She thinks I'm a poser and I think she's a hippie without the bad fashion sense. I know she holds this totally juvenile grudge against me for killing her lunchbox. True, I should have apologized for it. But the way my brain works, I'm always more worried about how many people saw it, than any pain I caused anybody. Normally when I do something that klutzy, the only person in pain is me.

Well if an apology is what it takes for her to stop stepping on my turf, then just name the time and place.

No, no I can't do that. I can't appear weak in front of her. I've gotta keep her intimidated so she'll think twice before making another move.

Ugh. Turf? Intimidated? I'm beginning to sound like Kate. This pasta salad is becoming more and more impossible to finish the more my mind rambles. And its taste is only part of the problem.

You would think I'd know better with how bad my timing is. Of course a slow song starts up the second I let Parker have another dance with Gordo. I'm surprised I didn't roll my ankle and fall right into the punch bowl the next minute. With my luck, it probably should have happened. The only good luck I have is every time I don't end up making a bad thing like that worse by wiping out and ruining my clothes.

But I guess having to watch them dance was worse than any public display of klutziness.

She laid her right hand on his shoulder and took his other hand in her left. I was only mildly annoyed at this point.

She starts rubbing her thumb lazily against his shoulder. Starting to get a little tweaked at this point.

She tilts her head and bites her bottom lip. Moving from tweaked to flat out nervous.

She closes the space between them by an inch or so. I have no idea if Gordo noticed, but it was pretty obvious from where I was standing. And upsetting me to the point where I'm digging my nails into the skin of my arms that have been folded since this started.

I started to take a step forward before realizing I couldn't do anything. I allowed this to happen. And sure, he's my date, but I was going along with his "take the moral high ground" idea, which I totally hated. I'd rather be petty and possessive than be a total patsy and let her have her way with him.

Anyway, back to the now…

I look over to see if Gordo is even noticing her noticing him. No worries there. He's doing the tongue slightly out of the side of his mouth thing, which basically means we could all be getting attacked by a flock of psychotic birds right now and he'd still be sitting there scribbling away on that paper that isn't even due for a week.

Of course when I check back up on Parker, she's completely unable to contain a smile at the sight of super focused Gordo. I'm so damn annoyed…

"I wish she would cut that crap out!" I say, exasperated.

Crap.

I was really hoping I just thought that really loud. No such luck. Gordo has removed his MP3 player headphones to see what was up.

"Who's doing what now?" he asks curiously, although not actually stopping to look up from his paper.

"Parker, giving you the eye, its…unsettling" I say a bit more dialed down now, choosing to stare at the hopeless pasta salad.

"Its just seller's remorse, Lizzie, let it be," Miranda says as she sips her coke.

"Careful Miranda, that almost sounded like a compliment," Gordo says with smile, still writing. His paper is probably already better than whatever I turn in, even if it's only half-done.

"I'm just telling you how Parker feels. Personally, I don't think you're all that and a bag of chips," she says casually taking a sip from another sip from her coke.

"Deny, deny, deny. We'll never be happy unless we stop this fake hostility and start making out," he says and the urge to laugh causes Miranda to spit out her last sip.

"You got me. That was good," she replies as they both laugh.

I guess I'd rather have this weird fake flirting going on that Miranda and Gordo have been doing lately than the way they used to be. Knock down drag out arguments that would stop just short of name-calling. That seems to have stopped happening instead ever since the Ronnie thing. I can't explain why. I know Miranda went to talk to Gordo after I said the meanest most awful thing ever to anybody (that wasn't Matt, of course). Maybe they reached a new understanding about each other because of it.

So at least some good came out of it, hopefully. I'm so embarrassed I can't even say anything more about it than "the Ronnie thing". I was such a tool for the fifteen minutes that train wreck lasted. I'm totally swearing off of stupid hot guys.

Gordo finally looks over to see Parker still staring at him. Just don't lead her on, Gordo. I don't expect you to be mean, but I don't want you to give her even an ounce of hope that you guys will ever go out.

Instead?

He smiles at her. Unbelievable. I turn to see Parker just light up like a Christmas tree and that's when I notice I've snapped my worthless plastic fork that I was eating my equally worthless pasta salad with in half. That really hurts. She brings out the worst in me.

"Ease up, Lizzie, your chance to throw down with McKenzie was in the locker room," Miranda says, causing me to freeze up. Did she really just let that fall out of her mouth?

"Excuse me?" Gordo's interest has now actually been completely drawn away from the paper in front of him.

"Miranda!" I scream. How many times is she going to break the cone of silence before we graduate?

"Oh, just something that almost happened last period in the locker room. No biggie," she says casually as I roll my eyes. Yeah, he's totally going to buy that.

"Miranda, there is no such thing as 'no biggie' when we're talking about near throw downs in the girl's locker room. In fact, pretty much anything that happened in the girl's locker room should be first on the topic list at lunch," he says smiling, trying to be skuzzy, but really just looking goofy.

"Really? Okay then, this one time I was on my period and…." Miranda starts to say. Even I can't believe she went there.

"Okay, okay, okay. I get it. I stand corrected," he says about to put on his headphones.

"Actually you're sitting corrected," I jump in, seeing my opportunity.

Gordo pauses looking at each of us back and forth, realizing for the millionth time that he's not going to win when Miranda and I are ganging up on him. He puts his headphones back on with a smile and presses a couple of buttons on the player. To what he switched it to, I have no idea. I mean none. The only thing I know about Gordo's musical tastes is his brief fascination with old school big band.

I'm ashamed to say it, but there are a lot of things I don't know about him.

In my defense, it's hard to get him to open up. When he was talking me out of my Ronnie induced downward spiral, I thought he was about to open up to me about something…personal. But just as I thought I could pry into him about something that really mattered, he froze, stood up, and dropped the "we're best friends" card out of nowhere.

I don't really know why that bothered me so much. Of course we're best friends, and that's awesome. Everyday I wake up thinking about how I can't wait to see him, even if it means getting through a school day. I actually look forward to going over math homework with him in the afternoons. Even the random times he helps Matt with one of his insane projects, I get anxious for him to come over, even if its not for me.

But there has always been this boundary that he puts up. It's the kind of boundary that stops him from telling me when he is scared about living up to his own expectations. It's the kind of boundary that never explains why he can't put up with Ethan talk, even after all this time. The same kind of boundary that kept Brook a secret from me.

I mean from us. Me and Miranda.

That's what gets me so bothered about Parker in the end. I have this completely stupid fear that he'll let his guard down with her. It's not just that I'm worried he'll get hurt.

No, if anything I'm more worried she'll make him happy, happier than he ever was as my best friend. I'm worried that she'll discover things about him I never knew. Things, for one reason or another, he never trusted to tell me.

I'm worried she'll have pieces of him that I'll never have.

God, what is going on with me? Where is this coming from?

I know I'm going crazy, or that I'm being selfish. Or that I'm being crazy and selfish. And believe me I want it to stop, but normally when I can't get the gears to stop turning in my head, I turn to Gordo. He lays everything out, gives me my options, good or bad. But eventually my mind stops spinning.

But I can't do that this time, not when it is because of him. And not when, if Parker is sincere and actually sees Gordo for how incredible he really is, I have no argument to get in the way of them dating. I only got one chance at that and get away with it, and that was with Brook. If I do it again, Gordo will have me committed.

Or worse, he won't speak to me again. Or look at me, or squeeze my hand reassuringly when I'm overreacting about something.

And this is where I start to realize something. These same things I've been begging to get from guys like Ethan and Ronnie, Gordo has been giving me for free this whole time, as a friend no less. I've been so dense I never realized it until now. But people outside of our trio, namely Parker, have noticed it the whole time.

And that's why the almost fight in the locker room happened. Kate of all people was talking about how Gordo would make the perfect boyfriend. That was bizarre by itself, but I can't see Kate actually having the guts to ask him out. If anybody could get away with it, it's her. But she also has high school to worry about, and I don't think she's going to bet her future just to try and go out with Gordo.

Parker on the other hand has nothing to lose and is fanning the flames pretty hard by just standing there and smiling. Almost taunting Kate into telling us how she really feels. She got her so pissed Kate said something about Miranda maybe having a crush on Gordo.

Yeah, right. The day that happens? I'll be an international pop star. Even Miranda laughed that idea away.

I snapped however, because while Kate isn't a threat, I suddenly realized Parker is. And when somebody is more of an evil menace than Kate, they need to be dealt with. Possibly even destroyed. I mean, who wants live in a world where somebody is more evil than Kate.

Miranda didn't try to stop me really, either. She noticed me clenching my fists and taking a step towards Parker and stepped in front of me.

"What are we doing?" she asks. Only a truly loyal friend would ask what 'we' are doing instead of what 'I' was planning on doing on my own. Its good to know that she'll have my back when and if a fight does happen.

But the locker room brawl wasn't going to happen today. I would've looked nuts. Parker technically didn't say a thing. Kate is the one trashing me. And if I walked over there and sucker punched Parker it would look like I was taking Kate's side. Which….never.

So now here we are. Kate has dubbed Gordo as the most available and desired single guy in school, which he doesn't even know happened, and Parker is sitting, waiting, wishing for her moment to get her hooks into him. All I can do is sit here and watch it happen.

I didn't believe Gordo when he talked about how sometimes you feel things you don't understand right away, especially after the Ronnie thing when everything seemed to happen so quickly. I knew what I was feeling every step of the way the moment it happened.

Maybe that's why it didn't last.

I've been trying to do what he told me. Take a deep breath, step back, think about who is causing the feeling before figuring out the what and the why. Well it starts when I look at Gordo, and think about Parker. And I see them dancing together, and then I imagine everything that might've happened had they gone to the dance without the "too short" insanity.

Gordo walking Parker home after the dance.

Gordo walking her up the steps of her house.

Parker thanking him for a wonderful time.

Gordo, nervous as to how to end the night. Handshake? Kiss on the cheek?

Parker watching his nervous jittering, smelling blood in the water, goes in for the kiss.

I couldn't blame her, if it were me, that's what I would do.

And that's when I realize what this feeling is. It's worse than I thought.

I want it to be me; I want to be the one that does something that makes him feel like he's let me feel millions of times over. The best friend thing isn't enough for me now.

Jealousy.

Jealous of Parker over Gordo.

Fine.

I'll admit I'm jealous, but I won't admit I'm in love.


	3. Gordo

A/N: Disney owns the characters and the backdrop. I only own the angst. So there. Thanks again for the reviews.

I've figured out why Ethan Craft is so…to put it nicely…not smart.

Having this many girls focusing on you at once is a serious obstacle to getting any learning done. Lizzie and Miranda probably think I've been working on my paper since lunch started. In reality, I've been writing lyrics to songs while listening to my MP3 player. Because I'm trying not to make eye contact with any one of three girls who I swear are staring me down at this very moment.

Maybe I'm just paranoid, or maybe I'm beginning to get an ego about something besides my grade point average. I'm not sure which one of those is better. I've worked pretty hard to be realistic about how smart I actually am, and any day now somebody is going to one up me in algebra and I want to at least pretend like I saw it coming.

But being paranoid can lead to new and different levels of crazy, so that's no good either.

The worst part is that I brought this upon myself. All those times I lamely went on and on about wanting to get noticed by Lizzie, or by any girl for that matter, are now coming back to haunt me. At first I was flattered, maybe even a little happy, but recently I've been finding this a little scary.

'Be careful what you wish for'

I remember my dad telling me this once. That there are some things I'm going to value a little too highly. When I finally get them, not only are they not going to make me happy, I'm actually going to be pissed that I ever wanted them in the first place.

I hate it when he's right.

Imagine the scene before me. Lizzie and Miranda sitting diagonally from me at the circular table, then at a table maybe twenty feet behind them is Parker who is sitting so that she has basically a straight on view of me.

Between the three of them, I couldn't tell you who is staring me down the hardest. But I'm going to go down the list and say it's Parker in first, followed closely by Miranda. Lizzie is in third, probably only because she's trying to figure out why Parker is staring at me.

I could be totally wrong, because I'm only able to see what's going on for like a half-second at a time when I quickly look up while I erase something I miswrote. I'm not sure how convincing my 'I'm trying to write the greatest English paper man will ever be blessed to read' performance is going. I did almost bite my tongue again as I inadvertently stuck it out the side of my mouth just now. Not a good sign for my future kissing ability. I mean if I can't control it in my own mouth, what hope do I honestly have?

Now Lizzie is really playing eye pong between Parker and me. At least I hope that's what she's spinning her gears on, because if she suspects anything about me and Miranda…

"I wish she would cut that crap out!" Lizzie says, exasperated.

Moment of truth time. I remove my MP3 player headphones to listen to what was up.

"Who's doing what now?" I ask curiously, although not actually stopping to look up from my 'paper'.

"Parker, giving you the eye, its…unsettling" she says meekly. I'm thinking she didn't mean to get that pissed.

"Its just seller's remorse, Lizzie, let it be," Miranda says as she sips her coke.

I should just let that go, keep pretending to do the paper. But stupid Gordo just has to say something now.

"Careful Miranda, that almost sounded like a compliment," I reply with a smile, still writing.

God, why won't you let me just shut up?

"I'm just telling you how Parker feels. Personally, I don't think you're all that and a bag of chips," she says casually taking a sip from another sip from her coke. Again, I should just keep quiet, let it die. But stupid Gordo seems quite confused as to how Miranda can keep up this great acting job going here, yet if I put her up on a real stage with a real role to act out, she's like an elephant on crack in a glass house.

"Deny, deny, deny. We'll never be happy unless we stop this fake hostility and start making out," I shoot back and the urge to laugh causes Miranda to spit out her last sip.

"You got me. That was good," she replies as we both laugh.

And this is how it has been. Miranda and I were a less than a second away from making out full throttle two weeks ago. As fate would have it, my mom broke up the moment. And it feels as though we've been in the twilight zone ever since. Juvenile name-calling has been replaced by flirting, and I have no idea how I feel about it. Although I can say that it is totally Ronnie's fault. If he never dropped into the equation, none of us would have ever gotten hurt or confused in the first place.

I'd like to believe that, but I almost threw everything out of balance on my own before walking in on Lizzie and stupid hot Ronnie playing tonsil hockey. I'm not sure that giving her that CD would have been smart now that I see how quickly she attached herself to a total stranger with maybe two functioning brain cells.

Okay, that was mean.

Not about Ronnie, the guy has to be a moron. But about Lizzie, I know better than anybody how she gets caught up in something only to be horribly disappointed later. I'm not exactly great at that either; I mean look how the "asking Parker to the dance" thing turned out. I thought that would be an easy drive to the basket for a lay-up, instead I got rejected, figuratively and literally.

I finally take a moment to look up, Parker quickly looks back down at her food, but her embarrassed smile and blushing has already given her away. I don't really resent her anymore, but part of me is fantasizing winning the Oscar for best director twenty years from now. And she'll get to watch it all alone on a coach in her tiny house that she has filled with forty cats, because she just can't meet a guy that lives up to her height standards and can put up with her voice for more than five minutes at a time.

But I can't hold grudges, they waste too much of the day. Every second you waste holding onto a grudge is a second you choose not to get on with being happy again. And being the well-adjusted son of two shrinks, that's just not a choice at all.

Parker looks up again, and I give her a small smile. And she throws one back at me, although she is still having trouble keeping eye contact. She might be catching on to Lizzie's….

SNAP!

…seething rage which has caused Lizzie to break her fork in one hand. That…looks like it hurt…although I'm trying to pretend like I didn't notice it. What the hell has gotten into her?

"Ease up, Lizzie, your chance to throw down with McKenzie was in the locker room," Miranda says, causing me to look up again.

Hello story.

"Excuse me?" I ask feeling no need to pretend working on the 'paper' now that something better might be here to distract me.

"Miranda!" Lizzie screams. Looks like the cone of silence has been violated again.

"Oh, just something that almost happened last period in the locker room. No biggie," she says casually as Lizzie rolls her eyes. Nice try, Sanchez.

"Miranda, there is no such thing as 'no biggie' when we're talking about near throw downs in the girl's locker room. In fact, pretty much anything that happened in the girl's locker room should be first on the topic list at lunch," I say smiling.

"Really? Okay then, this one time I was on my period and…." Miranda starts to say.

AHHHH! Eject! Eject!

"Okay, okay, okay. I get it. I stand corrected," I quickly say trying to put on my headphones. If there is something I never seem to learn, it's when I've given Miranda too much of an opening. She could have driven a truck through this one.

"Actually you're sitting corrected," Lizzie jumps in, pressing my last button.

I can't count how many times I've been here, but I know when they're shutting me out. Whatever happened in the locker room is not going to be shared by either of them. And when they team up they can argue any point until they pass out, even if its "the sky is green, Gordo" or "Ethan's not as dense as you think he is, Gordo". They are going to keep pushing until I give up. So the smart thing to do is put my headphones back on with a smile and press a couple of buttons on the player.

And after what happened just now, the obvious song to play is "Shut Up" by Simple Plan. Maybe I'll listen to them if I won't listen to my own conscience.

I tried so hard to break out of this triangle. Brook, starting high school early, and now Parker. It was always about more than testing my limits or meeting somebody new. This was about getting some space between us again.

At first, "us" just meant between Lizzie and me. I was always fighting myself between getting closer and putting my guard up with her. I never got why I was doing this until after I put her back together again in the library after the humiliating dumping she got from Ronnie.

I mean, that was the moment to finally confess it all. All the sharp breaths from taking in her scent, all the anxiety when I noticed how close she was standing, all the times I zoned out when I was practically staring through her let alone at her. Now was the time to put it out there. To say, "I'm the one you're looking for. Why date the tall, good looking, confident blonde guys when you can date a short, neurotic, dark and curly haired best friend?"

But then I realized something. Something very sad.

When it came down to it, I became the biggest coward.

Fear of failure? David Gordon? Please.

Fear of failure doesn't exist about stuff that I know I can handle. Things that don't have any real consequence, like my grades, future, whatever. Stuff like that. You fall down to pick yourself back up. That's what it is all about.

For a brief moment, I held Lizzie's heart in my hand. I could feel it, hear it, and gently squeeze it.

And that was the single most terrifying moment in my life. Far worse than hearing my dad sing karaoke. I would have rather had a live grenade or a really pissed off rattlesnake in my hand. In that moment all I could think about was giving it back to her in one piece.

In that moment, I realized what one person could do with another's heart. How much happiness you can give when handled with care, and how much despair when handled with total apathy.

In that moment, David Gordon believed in the fear of failure more than the reward of success.

For the longest time, only Lizzie could have moved me like that, to the point where I actually lost confidence in myself. It's mostly because, while she doesn't know it or would ever believe it, I am almost certain she's going to be bigger than the 'girl next door' life she's been shoeboxing herself into.

And I'm not going to be the guy to hold her back. Ever. I've spent way too much of my short life pushing her forward.

And then there is Miranda.

At first, I was worried about Miranda finding out the thing I had for Lizzie. How it might affect our relationship and whether she would be left out. Part of me thought she always knew, and just kept waiting for me to show some chutzpah and ask Lizzie out. Or maybe she wanted nothing to happen but thought the whole thing was inevitable anyway.

Now none of those things make sense, not after she…tried to…kiss me.

God, I can barely say it without thinking I've gone completely crazy. I never thought something like that would happen between Miranda and I. Maybe because I've been lost in Lizzieland this whole time. Lizzieland is basically Wonderland, with fewer doped up caterpillars and homicidal royalty, but brighter colors and scented soap.

But I liked it. I liked being lost there because it was safe and predictable. As long as I admired the view without trying to build a house on it by asking her out, I could never fail. Then Ronnie moved in, and Lizzieland just wasn't all that great anymore.

I was going to sulk in my room for a straight week, then talk about swearing off girls until college. I had plenty of things to keep me occupied without getting caught up in all their silliness. I was going to make some guy friends, be less understanding and sensitive, get into trouble. Trick or treating on Halloween? No way. Time to start egging houses with Ethan. I've got a lot of catching up to do.

But nope, Miranda. This new bizarre thing between us has consumed me. And things have been so different between us recently. I miss our totally stupid fights about nothing in particular. Now we're just like…friends. Plain old boring friends who flirt in a somewhat insincere way, right in front of our other friend. Like we're begging to get caught almost.

I think that's why I'm not totally denying what I'm feeling about Miranda. It's so dangerous and wrong that it's exciting. And that's a totally a horrible way to think, I know. But Lizzie is so anti-Parker, now more than ever, that her protectiveness is just in overdrive. Its impossible to know how she would react if Miranda and I threw caution to the wind and went for it all.

But my brain doesn't accept 'impossible to know' as an excuse, and since the day Miranda visited me in my room, it's been replaying the same dream over and over.

My room. That day. Same conversation, except this time you can remove the word 'almost' from 'almost kiss'.

I can feel my lips against hers. It seems to be happening so fast that we have to take very quick breaths just to make sure we don't pass out. I simply have no idea what to do with my hands, but I believe I rest them on her hips, I'm really nervous about going out of bounds. Miranda…um…doesn't have that same problem. And before I know it her hands are shoving me onto my bed behind me.

My brain wants to rationalize what's happening, but it would take about three cans of mace to stop Miranda now. This is another reason why it's so exciting. I, David Gordon the infamous control freak, have almost no control over what's happening as she presses against me just a bit harder and starts to kiss my neck. I am in a total freefall at this moment and I like it. That's the Drs. Gordon explanation of dreams for you. Sometimes it's just about tapping into your alter ego for a while, to stand outside of yourself and gain some perspective.

The fun and self-discovery doesn't last though.

Somebody has walked in on us. And unlike what happened with my mom almost busting us last time. The person who stumbled in on us is a million times worse.

Lizzie.

Her face is in total shock at first, then changing to this kind of mix of anger and sadness. As I stand up to try and explain, having no real way to explain something like that, she storms off…or she punches me in the face. Not a soap opera type slap mind you, but a full-fisted punch to the nose.

I usually wake up after that. In the version where she punches me I freak out especially hard because I feel something wet under my nose, thinking blood, only to find sweat. It takes me forever to fall back to sleep after that, and sometimes I don't get back to sleep at all.

That's why nothing should happen between us. It's obvious none of us are ready to go it alone. Especially me. There was a reason I ended things with Brook or didn't go through with starting high school early, and only some it had to do with how badly Lizzie and Miranda reacted to it.

But we do need some breathing room, some space again. To get some perspective.

I picked up a brochure about a class trip to Rome for pre-freshman only. Only a limited number of seats available and the deadline is next week. I've already gotten the green light from mom and dad and reserved my spot.

With any luck…Lizzie and Miranda won't find out about it until its too late.

I'll admit I'm falling for Miranda.

I'll admit I haven't stopped falling for Lizzie.

I won't admit…that I'm running away…because I have no idea what to do about it.

FIN


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